There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
