did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
