Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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