was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Small penises have feelings too.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
