remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
