why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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