Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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