me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
