You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
