Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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