My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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