I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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