I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
