where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
