I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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