you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
