If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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