The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
