i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
