I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
