I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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