I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
