Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
