I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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