I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
