I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
