My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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