she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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