nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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