I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
