Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
