oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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