Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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