It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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