I think my fart just growled at me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
