I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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