she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize