I wish I could teleport
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
