Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
