The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
