Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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