Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
