I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize