someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
