I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
do herpes really smell.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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