I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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