I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
