Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
