she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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