This is not my ceiling
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
