i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
