How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
