we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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