I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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