im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
