This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
