All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
