he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
