I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
