What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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